Living Life With and Without Fear

I’ve been thinking about profile description on Instagram, it’s simple, “Living without fear.” Every time I see it, I wonder if it’s truly what I am doing. I’ve reasoned in the photos it is true. Most of my photos are pictures of moments in life when I have chosen to truly live as I want to, to no fear externalities, and to venture out and do what I want without fear.

However, this makes clear another truth – the moments not captured on camera, are not documented, often out of fear. Fear of being judged for doing the mundane in part, but also largely because those off-camera moments are when I am living with fear. Undocumented moments have included for me, hiding in my room, in the car in places where I am not known, and only doing life when I think no one else is around. The picture-less, fear-filled moments of life are those in which I unreasonably, and hyperbolically fear the judgment of others, or the one criticism, negative word, or look that will make me fill worthless or a cause of pain. This fear is not seen; it is the moments that I hide from others and that I do not let people see overtly. Admittedly though, I do live with fear, despite how I’ve often thought of myself as fearless, and expressed that I am fearless – I realize there are moments of fear that others never see. It’s sad because when I am living in pure fear, often it feels like not living at all; and perhaps living only feels real when I am existing without fear. This is perhaps too metaphysical for a simple care group e-mail, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about, and working out within myself for some time.

These thoughts help me to understand why I likely feel such a deep vocation for traveling. When I travel, very often there is this ability to be alone in almost every moment. When I travel, I do not fear others, because I know they do not know me, I know that the only moments they know me are often short enough that I do not have to fear being hurt or causing hurt. It’s funny, to see that the reason I love to travel, is because it provides me this sense of safety, this ability to live as my most honest self - without fear. A lack of fear allows me to love others, myself, and God in the purest of forms I know, and perhaps this is why traveling feels so good for my soul.

As some know, one of my favorite passages in the Bible is 1 John 4:16 onward. One specific verse I think about just about every time I think of fear. It is a verse that I have probably recited or referenced to each of you, even if I did not state the verse by name. So, this should be familiar to you.

1 John 4: 18: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

I speak of vulnerability in order to love beyond what we currently know how to, I speak of beginning friendships and romance by stepping on and over fear that makes us feel awkward to pursue another. These thoughts and words come out of my experience and the roots that 1 John 4:18 has placed within me.

It is sad, that I know over the last few years, fear has become a bigger part of my life. Cowardice drives me to not live well. I know this, and yet I only cry at understanding it, because I fear still more that I will not be able to gather courage to overcome this malaise.

This is truth: I have lied to many, and been a hypocrite – for I do live in fear. God forgive me, and may you forgive me, too.

May God help me in His great sovereignty, mercy, and grace, as Hir (He/Her) feels fit to do. Please pray with me on this matter. May God grant all of us the courage to overcome fear and live our lives more fully.