Recovering Hope

In sum, today was marvelously miraculous. It’s one of those days when you’re on the mend, that you see evidence of a true breakthrough in healing occurring. I thank God for the healing process.

Today has been a miraculous day. I stayed in bed most of the day, watching the rest of the “Prison Break” series. I did not feel guilt; I did not feel like I was doing it, because I was incapable of doing anything else. I truly wanted to be like plugged into these lives that resonated with me, who I am in my innermost self. The series is all about this guy who continually sacrifices everything, and ultimately his own life for others in order to bring about justice.

This guy is a genius and able to do whatever he wants with his mind, but what he ends up doing with his unbridled intelligence is to spend his last year of his life rescuing those he loves and encounters from various forms of darkness.

I think there are probably some veiled attempts at spirituality in the series. There are numerous episodes regarding relying on faith for justice to be achieved. Then there is this idea of a rescuer who sacrifices his own life, literally and figuratively for those he loves, so they can be free. The show has this on-going these of being set free from so many different things that hold people captive.

It’s deep, intense, and somehow mattered to me in a very real way.

The last couple of episodes show that he has died, and how he died. It was in a way that basically served as a signature for who he was in life. Everyone around him is sad, but all who were unjustly captive, are free.

I could not stop crying fully during the last couple of episodes.  Everyone is free, and yet super sad that one of the main reasons they wanted to be free is gone. As I cried, it really felt nice. I was thinking, ok my counselors have told me to avoid watching violence and things that are too sad. They even told me I had to cut back on my news junkie ways. And here I am crying – am I sad, am I more depressed? What do these tears reflect, will this lead to another depressive thing?

Thinking through it, and being able to think through it, I identified why I cried. I cried, because his life and his demise were all about giving of him for those he loved, despite every opportunity to be selfish and worldly. I cried, because he got it right, and he lived what I, when well, find myself doing. Living most by continually attempting to give myself more to what I care about, and those I care for.

I realize that I long for that, for having a few people near me who I can sacrifice for, and who deeply care for me. I was thinking about this longing, and whether it seemed so far off that I felt hopeless about reaching it. I did not, nor do I now. These feelings and desire for these sacrificial, life-bounding relationships of love are not hopeless. I remember the feelings from growing up, and when they became more defined as I entered college. I remember that these feelings of connection to others were what made adulthood so miraculous and worthwhile to me.

Connectivity; it is still my favorite part of existence. And while I want greater connectivity, whether it be through a future mate, or in the form of a friend who is near me – I have this since of knowing that God has brought me to this great connectivity before, and I truly believe and know S/he will bring it again. For the Bible speaks truth when it says, remember where God has brought you from and the blood of the lamb during your trials or rough times. And God gave me more than I could have hoped for as a child when I entered adulthood, and the seventeen years of waiting for it made it so worthwhile. The nice thing about coming from a difficult place is that, every wait seems shorter than what was the greatest wait to escape, when I felt so powerless and blind to the idea of a future at all.

Hope. I thank God for this sense of hope about the thing that matters most to me – connectivity to you, those who have come before you, and those who will still come.

God is GOOD. I thank Hir this day for the blessing of the miraculous – for emotions, and the beauty of connecting to and forming life-bonds with others. Miraculous.  Giving thanks to the Lord, I also pray may God continue to bless me with this renewed sense of being able to feel (yes, it means I’m cornier than I am now) and the patience to wait for what it is I am certain God is in the process of blessing me with.